Everyone's Free To Tickle Dragons
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: Dumbledore's highly inspirational graduation speech. Enjoy the power and beauty of your common room. Don't be reckless with other people's wands. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


_Disclaimer. Similarity to Mary Schmich/Baz Luhrmann/not Kurt Vonnegut's Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) is entirely… coincidental. Honest. Also I… uh… borrowed some of J.K. Rowling's wonderful creation…_

This is the text of Dumbledore's graduation speech. I hope you find it as inspiring as I did.

*** Hogwarts Students, of the class of '99. Never tickle a sleeping dragon. If I had to offer you one tip for the future, not tickling sleeping dragons would be it. The long-term benefits of not tickling sleeping dragons have been proved by countless Durmstrang Care of Magical Creatures students and hobbits, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own extraordinarily lengthy experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your common rooms. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your common rooms until you've a cubicle of your own in the Ministry of Magic. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at the bickering, squabbling, frantic revising and snogging, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much fun you were really having. You are not as hard done by as you think you are. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pass your exams aided only by confectionary created by Fred and George Weasley. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, such as your pet rat being a Death Eater or your teacher being a Death Eater in disguise. Do one thing every day that scares you, although preferably within school regulations. Sing the school song to your favourite tune. Don't be reckless with other people's wands. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Unless, of course, you want to lose your memory or vomit slugs. Go flying. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, you could be in a mess if the person you're jealous of has a werewolf for a best friend. Remember compliments you receive, unless they were from Lord Voldemort. Forget the insults, even if they were from Professor Snape. If you succeed in doing this, you might just stay sane long enough to pass your OWLs. Keep any old inherited items and loose pieces of parchment. Throw away any old diaries. Revise. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The only students I ever taught who were certain they did know were Tom Riddle, Lucius Malfoy, and Rita Skeeter. Get plenty of Pepper-Up Potion. Be kind to Hufflepuffs. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll end up with your best friend, maybe you'll have a big Muggle-style wedding with the most inbred twentieth generation Pureblood you know. Whatever you do, don't dwell on dreams and forget reality. Your future is half chance. So is everybody else's. Enjoy your wand. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you're at the Yule Ball with no partner. Pay attention to the rules, even if you don't follow them. If you insist on breaking them, don't grouse when you have to spend detention polishing trophies. Do not read _Witch Weekly_, the recipes are terrible. Get to know your Godparents. You never know when they might turn out not to be a mass murderer after all. Understand that friends come and go, but a true friend will be there for you even if you're vomiting slugs. Live in Diagon Alley once, but leave before your Gringotts' account is empty. Live in the Muggle World once, but leave before you start to enchant objects for your amusement. Apparate. Accept certain inalienable truths: Slytherins will be sneaky, exams will be hard, and Harry Potter will always save the day. And when he does, Slytherins will seem tolerable, exams reasonable, and it will become fashionable to stick up for one's beliefs. Stick up for your beliefs. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a good Gringotts account. Maybe you have the Philosopher's Stone. But you never know when either one might be in danger from two-faced Dark Wizards. Don't mess too much with your teachers. They could look 40 and actually be 85. Be careful whose advice you buy. Even people on the side of good have been known to say, "The Philosopher's Stone is perfectly secure" and "Nothing is going to happen with the Chamber of Secrets" and even "Isn't Professor Moody a nice man?" Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of making yourself look terribly wise. Believe me, I should know. But trust me on the sleeping dragons. 


End file.
